When Holidays Bring Up More Than Joy: A Reflection on Expectations, Emotions & What We Truly Want

Gaining awareness of your holiday emotions

Key Takeaways

• Holidays often bring up complicated emotions and old patterns.

• Past hurts, expectations, and family dynamics can resurface without warning.

• You can learn new ways to respond — even if other people don’t change.

• Small shifts in communication, boundaries, and self-awareness can transform your experience.

• Knowing what you want from others — and from yourself — helps you create a more meaningful holiday season.

The Holidays Have Layers — For All of Us

Every culture, every religion, every family has holidays.

Moments meant to be joyful, warm, and connected.

Holidays also carry something else: memory.

Memory of how things were. Memory of how we wished they were. Memory of moments that felt good… and moments that didn’t.

Even when life feels steady, the season can bring up old emotions we thought we’d outgrown — tension, grief, longing, resentment, loneliness, guilt, shame, stress, overwhelm.

This time of year has a way of amplifying whatever we’re already holding.

When Holidays Go Wrong (Because We’re Human)

Some families argue every year.

Some end up in tears.

Some raise their voices.

Some people leave early because it’s just too much.

Some shut down and barely speak for the rest of the night.

Some put on a smile and act like everything’s fine until one small comment hits a nerve.

Some sit around the table feeling the tension but not knowing what to do with it.

And some don’t go at all because it feels easier than repeating the same story again.

Underneath all of this?

It’s usually familiar patterns showing up — the same roles, reactions, expectations, and emotional habits that have been there for years.

Here’s the part that really matters:

Even if the people around you don’t change, you still have the ability to show up differently.

You can’t control what others say, how they behave, or how they manage their emotions.

You can choose how you respond.

You can decide what you want to take on, what you want to let go, and what you want to protect within yourself.

And this is where holidays can begin to feel different — not because the family suddenly transforms, but because you are meeting the same moment with a new sense of awareness and choice.

How Holidays Can Go Differently (Even If Nothing Else Changes)

Changing an entire family dynamic is hard.

Changing how you participate in it is possible — even in small ways.

Here are a few ways things can unfold differently:

Instead of reacting instantly…

You pause — even for three seconds. Those few seconds can change the entire tone.

Instead of absorbing the tension…

You allow yourself to name what’s happening inside you.“I’m noticing I’m overwhelmed. I’m going to step outside for a minute.”

Instead of trying to manage everyone’s feelings…

You let yourself simply be a guest, not the emotional anchor for the room.

Instead of expecting perfection…

You allow the day to be human — a mix of warmth, awkwardness, laughter, and flaws.

Instead of repeating the same old story…

You try one new thing: a boundary, a softer tone, a moment of compassion — for yourself or for someone else.

Instead of carrying everything alone…

You talk to someone you trust before or after.Naming the feeling often lightens it.

None of this guarantees a perfect holiday.But it does create space for a better one — even if it’s only a 10% shift from last year.

And that is still real change.

Practice Doesn’t Mean Perfection

Responding differently is a practice.

And practices don’t require perfection — only intention.

You might slip back into old habits.

You might react faster than you wanted to.

You might say something you later rethink.

You might feel hopeful one minute and discouraged the next.

This is part of being human.

The goal isn’t to be flawless — it’s to be aware, and to gently guide yourself back to who you want to be.

Every time you try again, you teach yourself that safety and choice exist in new responses, not just old ones.

What Do You Want From the Holidays?

This is the question most people never ask themselves.

What do I actually want the holidays to feel like?

Not the idealized picture — the real version:

Calm? Connection? Space? Simplicity? Honesty? Warmth? Less pressure? Less pretending?

And then two other questions that matter just as much:

What do I want from my friends and family?

Respect? Help? Support? Clarity? A lighter atmosphere? Shared responsibility?

A boundary to be honored?

And last and most importantly, what do I want from myself?

Do I want to:

• Speak up more?

• Say less?

• Leave early?

• Take breaks?

• Stop fixing everyone’s mood?

• Allow myself to receive?

• Let go of the pressure to please?

• Choose what actually feels right?

These questions bring you back to yourself — your needs, your values, your limits, and your hopes.

This is where change begins.

It Can Be Better

No matter your history, your family dynamics, or your past experiences…you are not stuck.

You can create moments of peace, connection, or meaning — even small ones — that gently shift the whole mood of the holiday season.

You can show up in ways that feel aligned with who you are now.

You can take care of yourself in ways you never have before.

You can allow others to be who they are without letting it shape your entire experience. You can soften the old stories and make room for new ones.

You can practice something different. And with time, patience, and awareness…

It can be better.

If the holidays bring up a lot for you, and you want a place to talk it through, I’m here.

Reach out any time.